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From: Bill Hales whales1@rochester.rr.com
Subject: Airline announcements
If you haven't seen these, they are worth reading!
Bill
[WITH APOLOGIES TO THOSE CLASSMATES WHO FLEW THE AIRLINES... PERHAPS
SOME OF THESE QUOTES CAME FROM THEM.]
Airline Info
Occasionally, pilots and attendants make an effort to make the "in-
flight safety lecture" and their other announcements a bit more
entertaining. Here are some real examples that have been heard or
reported:
"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways
out of this airplane..."
"We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke,
contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the
wing of the airplane.
"Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking
in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."
Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am
going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as
you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we land... it's a bit
cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight
pattern."
And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We
hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking
you for a ride."
As we waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in
front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve
luggage from the overhead bins. The head attendant announced on the
intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system
that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining
in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and complete stop
at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft."
As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National,
a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella. WHOA!"
After a particularly rough landing during thunderstorms in Memphis, a
flight attendant on a Northwest flight announced: "Please take care
when opening the overhead compartments because, after a landing like
that, sure as hell everything has shifted."
From a Southwest Airlines employee... "Welcome aboard Southwest
Flight XXX to YYY. To operate your seatbelt, insert the metal tab
into the buckle, and pull tight. It works just like every other
seatbelt, and if you don't know how to operate one, you probably
shouldn't be out in public unsupervised. In the event of a sudden
loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will descend from the ceiling.
Stop screaming, grab the mask, and pull it over your face. If you
have a small child traveling with you, secure your mask before
assisting with theirs. If you are traveling with two small children,
decide now which one you love more.
Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but
they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and
remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest
Airlines."
"Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
Once on a Southwest flight, the pilot said, "We've reached our
cruising altitude now, and I'm turning off the seat belt sign. I'm
switching to autopilot, too, so I can come back there and visit with
all of you for the rest of the flight."
"Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the
overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose
before assisting children or adults acting like children."
"As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your
belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the
flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."
"Last one off the plane must clean it."
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to
have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
Unfortunately none of them are on this flight..!
Heard on Southwest Airlines just after a very hard landing in Salt
Lake City: The flight attendant came on the intercom and said, "That
was quite a bump and I know what ya'll are thinking. I'm here to tell
you it wasn't the airline's fault, it wasn't the pilot's fault, it
wasn't the flight attendants' fault... it was the asphalt!"
Overheard on an American Airlines flight into Amarillo, Texas, on a
particularly windy and bumpy day. During the final approach the
Captain was really having to fight it. After an extremely hard
landing, the Flight Attendant came on the PA and announced, "Ladies
and Gentlemen, welcome to Amarillo. Please remain in your seats with
your seatbelts fastened while the Captain taxis what's left of our
airplane to the gate!"
Another flight Attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered
his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which
required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers
exited, smile, and give them a "Thanks for flying XYZ airline." He
said that in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the
passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart
comment. Finally everyone had gotten off except for this little old
lady walking with a cane. She said, "Sonny, mind if I ask you a
question?" "Why no Ma'am," said the pilot, "what is it?" The little
old lady said, "Did we land or were we shot down?"
After a real crusher of a landing in Phoenix, the Flight Attendant
came on with, "Ladies and Gentlemen, please remain in your seats
until Captain Crash and the Crew have brought the aircraft to a
screeching halt up against the gate. And, once the tire smoke has
cleared and the warning bells are silenced, we'll open the door and
you can pick your way through the wreckage to the terminal.
Part of a Flight Attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to
thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get
the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized
metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
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